If the schools taught children to talk

I recently posted a story about a student by the name of Hypotheticalvictim who showed what it would be like if the schools taught children to walk. That’s not the only thing that I wanted to explore. What if the schools were responsible for teaching children how to talk? Here’s more about the life of Hypotheticalvictim.
This is going to be the same kind of corny writing. Expect slight exaggerations and the omission of tedious day-to-day details.

Age: 6 months

Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent were always big believers in early starts. They send Hypotheticalvictim to pre-walking classes. They also send him to pre-talking classes. This class focused on basic mouth movements and ensure that children will be able to succeed once the real work begins.

Age: 9 Months

Talk classes begin. Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent are introduced to their teacher, Mrs. Deafmute. Hypotheticalvictim makes a few laughing noises, but Mrs. Deafmute is quick to silence him. The children are not yet ready to make any noises. Instead, this month is spent training the children what talking is supposed to sound like.

Age: 10 Months

Now it’s time to encourage children to make noises. This month is focused on giggling and other happy sounds.

Age: 11 Months

This month is about expanding the sounds that children are allowed to make. This includes grunting and clicking noises. Hypotheticalvictim could be heard making some basic vowel sounds, but those were not among the goals for the month.

Age: 12 Months

This is the month when vowel sounds are introduced. This month is primarily focused on ‘A’ sounds. Mrs. Deafmute occasionally grabs the mouths of the children to ensure that they are positioning everything just right. Since the letter can make multiple sounds, it takes the whole month.

Age: 13 Months

This month is focused on ‘E’ sounds.

Age: 14 Months

This month is focused on ‘I’ sounds.

Age: 15 Months

The children are advancing. This month, they can take on both ‘O’ sounds and ‘U’ sounds. Hypotheticalvictim actually used both ‘O’ sounds and ‘U’ sounds in a single day. Mrs. Deafmute called home to criticize him. Working on ‘U’ sounds was getting in the way of his work on ‘O’ sounds. There was plenty of time for him to work on his ‘U’ sounds when they reached that point later in the month.

Age: 16-17 Months

Mrs. Deafmute has been given some time off. Children should be making a single vowel sound each day during the break. Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent couldn’t maintain control over him as each day he would slip in a sound that was not supposed to be that day’s focus.

Age: 18 Months

Just to ensure that none of the sounds taught have been forgotten, Mrs. Deafmute spends the month reviewing the sounds. Hypotheticalvictim made all the noises in his first day back. Mrs. Deafmute set up a meeting with Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent to discuss how to get Hypotheticalvictim to cooperate.

Age: 19 Months

For consonant sounds, Mrs. Deafmute starts slowly. The first month is dedicated primarily to ‘F’ sounds and ‘M’ sounds. This allowed them to learn just the core sound that don’t require any additional noises at the end to draw them out. “Fffff.” “Mmmmm.” “Mama.” If only they hadn’t gotten rid of the paddle. Then the teacher could properly discipline Hypotheticalicitm for that last outburst.

Age 20 Months

More consonant sounds that can stand alone are taught to the children.

Age 21 Months

Some trickier consonants are introduced. These include ‘B’ sounds and ‘D’ sounds. “Buh.” “Duh.” “Dada.” That Hypotheticalvictim is such a rebel. “Dada” is too complex. We are supposed to perfect the basics first. Otherwise, children might not fully understand how to put together even more complex words. Mrs. Deafmute couldn’t hold back any more. She gave Hypotheticalvictim a good hard slap on the bottom. The story made the news. People criticized his parents for raising a disobedient son and praised the teacher for doing what needed to be done.

Age: 22-27 Months

More consonant sounds were added. Before her break, Mrs. Deafmute ran out of time. Some consonants would have to wait for next year.

Age 28-29 Months

It’s summer, and we all know what that means. Mrs. Deafmute gets some time off, and Hypotheticalvictim has been told how to spend his summer. Much like last year, he needs to practice making a certain sound each day. Unfortunately, Hypotheticalvicitm has become a little bored. He is actively combining sounds. His parents realized that they had a problem and started yelling at him. His sound quickly changed to a cry despite not being among the sounds that he was supposed to be practicing.

Age: 30 Months

Another review period for Hypotheticalvictim. He directly defies his teacher and combines sounds like he did with his parents. Mrs. Deafmute sets up a meeting. They have no idea how to get through to Hypotheticalvictim.

Age: 31 Months

The remaining consonant sounds that are vital to learn are taught during this month.

Age: 32 Months

Mrs. Deafmute is now allowing children to combine consonants with vowels. Since they have been working so hard on consonants, there is some concern about how well they will remember their old vowel lessons. The letter ‘B’ takes the whole month. “Buh.” “Baa.” “Bah.” Bay.” “Buhbuh.” We are not supposed to be adding syllables yet. Mrs. Deafmute is really becoming furious with Hypotheticalvictim.

Age: 33-34 Months

The children add the other consonants to the different vowel sounds.

Age: 35 Months

This month, the children are learning how to start with a vowel and end in a consonant. “Ab.” “Aib.” “Ad.” “Aid.” “Bad.” Wrong. We are not yet ready to combine consonants to the beginning and end.

Age: 36-38 Months

Now we can have syllables that contain consonants at both the start and end. There are a lot of combinations, and Mrs. Deafmute wants to go through all of them. It takes three months to complete. “Buhk.” “Kuhk.” “Chuhk.” “Duhk.” She went through all combinations.

Age: 39 Months

To clarify, combinations can vary. Not everything will start and end with a consonant. This month was spent moving between the types of combinations.  “Oh.” “Boo.” “Ik.” “Yuk.” “Jerk.” Wait. We haven’t gotten to the point of combining consonant sounds yet.

Age: 40-41 Months

It was another summer. This year was all about making a variety of syllables. Some have no consonant sounds. Some have consonant sounds on the front. Some have consonant sounds on the back. Some have consonant sounds on both ends. Hypotheticalvictim made the mistake of saying, “Splor-plaht.” His parents had a fit.

Age: 42 Months

It’s review time again.

Age: 43 Months

Mrs. Deafmute is now teaching how to combine consonant sounds. She starts with something simple. “Bluh.” She relies on similar sounds emphasizing the consonants only throughout the rest of the month.

Age: 44 Months

Now for combining with varying vowel sounds. “Blah.” “Blay.” “Claw.” “Clay.” “Yawns.” That’s three consonant sounds together, at the end of the syllable, and using consonants at both ends. That is completely inexcusable.

Age: 45 Months

Now for the combinations at the end. “Afs.” “Aft.” “Ahfs.” “Ahft.” “Strong.” Hypotheticalvictim strikes again.

Age: 46 Months

Now we are moving faster. Mrs. Deafmute is teaching the children how to add consonants to both the beginning and end. She is even varying single consonant sounds and two consonant sounds.

Age: 47 Months

Now it’s time to combine three consonant sounds. Mrs. Deafmute started with the basics. “Scruh.” “Spluh.” “Shutup.” Look at that. Hypotheticalvictim couldn’t put a simple three consonant sound together. He’s obviously behind the rest of the class.

Age: 48 Months

Mrs. Deafmute is now adding different vowel sounds to these combinations.

Age: 49 Months

Mrs. Deafmute is teaching three-consonant sound combinations at the ends of syllables.

Age: 50-51 Months

Mrs. Deafmute goes through numerous possibilities to ensure that students can say just about any syllable imaginable. “Strarc.” “Alth.” “Doggie.” Hypotheticalvictim has yet to reach 4 1/2 years of age. Nobody is ready for that kind of two-syllable word at that age

Age: 4 1/12 – 5 1/2 Years

Mrs. Deafmute is moving beyond single syllables. She doesn’t want to overload the children, so this year is focused on speaking two syllables at a time. “Plor-Gah.” “Forst-ike.” “Ay-alt.” “Id-ee-uht.” That’s three syllables. Hypotheticalvicitm still hasn’t perfected two.

Age: 5 1/2 – 6 Years

This year is somewhat split up between two very different lessons, making this the most productive year that we can expect. The first half has Mrs. Deafmute expanding beyond two syllables. She is sharing three syllables and even four. Towards the end of the class, she has children just continuing for ten or more at a time.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Deafmute was right about Hypotheticalvictim. He has developed problems in the form of multitone tendencies. By that, we mean that he tends to change pitch throughout his speech. People might be unfamiliar with anything other than the correct tone for speech, and speech recognition software probably won’t work as he grows older. This could endanger his options for employment later in life.

Age: 6 – 6 1/2 Years

The second half of the year is dedicated to practical application. That’s right, they are going to learn their first actual words. “Boy.” “Girl.” “Mama.” “Dada.” “Doggie.” “Kitty.” “I’m bored.” This is not a grammar class. We are still supposed to be working on words.

Age: 6 1/2 – 7 1/2 Years

Due to his struggles to keep the proper monotone speech pattern, Hypotheticalvictim is attending remedial classes before school. He is also taking the standard talking lessons with his classmates in hopes that he can fix his problems without having to fall behind.
Mrs. Deafmute is now teaching children to join words together so that they can communicate with others. “Look – Doggie.” “Me – Hungry.” “BooBoo – Knee.” “I gotta go potty.” How many times do we have to go over this? We need to perfect the basics first. Look at what happened when Hypotheticalvictim failed to learn the proper tone for everything. If he says it properly, he can use the restroom. Too late. Perhaps the schools should have taken over toilet training as well.

Age: 7 1/2 – 8 1/2

English skills have always been a part of the schools. That is the obvious extension to talking classes. Mrs. Deafmute has one final year to prepare them for their English classes. Important phrases are taught such as, “I gotta go potty.” I wonder where we heard that one before. Meanwhile, Hypotheticalvictim is still trying to fix his multitone voice.
After this year is done, he will start English classes. Since the schools have done such a tremendous job at perfecting talking classes, English classes start a little later than before. The school year has been slightly extended, and higher level classes that used to be a part of high school are now taught in college. That is, if he can make it to college. He might have already ruined his chances to make it into a respectable college which is absolutely vital to survival in modern-day society.