With the inefficiencies of the schooling system, could you imagine if teachers took over the responsibility of teaching children to walk?
I’m going to create a corny story featuring slight exaggerations to help magnify problems that are very real within our schooling system. To keep from turning this into too lengthy of a read, I will omit certain details. This is why I am using months rather than days.
Age: 6 Months
Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent decide that they have to send their child, Hypotheticalvictim , to pre-walking classes so that he will have all the advantages available when real walking classes begin. Teachers focus on basic movement of appendages, and try to ensure that Hypotheticalvictim can move everything that will need to be moved when real classes begin.
Age: 9 Months
Walk classes begin. Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent are introduced to the teacher, Mrs. Quicksand. When classes begin, Mrs. Quicksand catches Hypotheticalvictim scooting around the classroom. She immediately grabs him and pulls him onto a mat with the rest of the class. Before he can crawl, everyone else needs to catch up. But first, it’s time to learn how to properly stand on all fours.
Age: 10 Months
With all the children finally comfortable standing on all fours, Mrs. Quicksand has developed an ingenious plan to solidify this ability. All children must spend some time with a hand off the ground. If they can handle being on an arm and two legs, they should have an easier time when on all four limbs.
Age: 11 Months
Mrs. Quicksand is now teaching the children the proper mechanics for moving their hands. This month is focused on the left hand.
Age: 12 Months
This month, they are adding the right hand. Since children should already be familiar with the left hand and right hand mechanics are similar, Mrs. Quicksand is also adding the ability to use both hands together. At this point, they are still not ready to use their feet. Unfortunately, Hypotheticalvictim disobeyed his teacher and engaged in a pre-mature crawl. Without proper technique fully developed, Hypotheticalvictim is not ready to start crawling. Mrs. Quicksand called Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent to criticize them for raising a disobedient child.
Age: 13 Months
It’s time to work on the feet. To ensure that all the children can keep up, Mrs. Quicksand has decided to only work with the feet. Everything learned with the hands will be put on hold. This month, the left leg.
Age: 14 Months
This month, the right leg. Like the lessons for the arms, Mrs. Quicksand will also work on using both legs together.
Age: 15 Months
Mrs. Quicksand has finally taught children how to use their hands and legs together. They’re not ready for lengthy crawls, but they are starting to move forward a little.
Age: 16-17 Months
Mrs. Quicksand has been given some time off. Children should be working on extending their crawls to two feet. Hypotheticalvictim has excelled and is now crawling four feet at a time before he is even 1 1/2.
Age: 18 Months
After the break, Mrs. Quicksand wants to ensure that the children didn’t forget how to crawl short distances. This month was dedicated primarily to reminders regarding hand and leg movement. She also managed to push some of the children to three feet of crawling. Hypotheticalvictim had a ten foot crawl, but that was irresponsible on his part.
Age 19-21 Months
Mrs. Quicksand is now comfortable with the distances that these children are crawling. Next, she needs to help them learn to turn and otherwise move beyond straight lines. This involves new movements of the limbs, so it took several months to perfect. Hypotheticalvictim succeeded in just his 20th month, which resulted in more criticism of Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent.
Age: 22-23 Months
Now it’s time to start learning how to stand. Obviously, there are all sorts of props to help out the children. These early lessons focus on using these props to move both hands off the ground at the same time.
Age: 24-25 Months
These are the months of walking mechanics. As with crawling lessons, there is work on each leg and both legs together before real walking starts. Hypotheticalvictim went a little ahead of the class again and walked before the rest of the class was ready. His technique hadn’t been perfected, and Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent had to deal with Mrs. Quicksand again. “If Hypotheticalvictim doesn’t know how to walk properly, he will not be able to get a decent job when he grows up. You need to discipline your son and make sure that he falls in line.”
Age: 26-27 Months
Children are starting to walk. Since walking is more complicated and potentially dangerous than crawling, each child in Mrs. Quicksand’s class must walk individually in front of her before they will be allowed to walk on their own. Hypotheticalvictim can certainly walk, but his desire to move on has resulted in weakness in terms of the technical aspects of walking.
Age: 28-29 Months
Once again, Mrs. Quicksand was given some time off. During this time, a representative of the schools approached Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent at home. They want Hypotheticalvictim to repeat the year since he hasn’t perfected everything required for the following year. Mr. and Mrs. Neoparent refused. They feel that it’s wrong to hurt Hypotheticalvictim’s feelings. Meanwhile, Hypotheticalvictim walked down the stairs all on his own to figure out what was going on.
Age: 30-31 Months
Another year, another review. Children spent the early part of the year reviewing the mechanics of walking and slightly extending their walking distances.
Age: 32-34 Months
Children can now walk without being observed too closely. They have also been learning the details regarding positioning of the hands and arms while walking. Unfortunately, a few children fell. Although Hypotheticalvictim walked 10 times further than any of his classmates during these months, a few lessons had to be repeated for the slower children.
Age: 35 Months
Children seem to have developed a basic ability to walk. Mrs. Quicksand is trying to wrap things up for the basics before more advanced lessons.
Age: 3 - 3 1/2 years
Children are getting a slight break from advancing. They are periodically provided with new technical components of walking, but this is more about proficiency than new skills. The biggest addition is the ability to walk in more directions than a straight line.
Age: 3 1/2 – 5 1/2 years
Walking on different surfaces takes a couple more years, with stairs being one of the bigger concerns.
Age: 6 1/2 – 7 1/2 years
Children are adding skipping to their walking abilities.
Age: 7 1/2 – 8 1/2 years
Now it’s time to learn how to jog.
Age: 8 1/2 – 9 1/2 years
And now we add running. When the year is completed, we find that Hypotheticalvictim’s grades are low. His teachers inform him that he will never be suitable for any job that involves any walking. He should also avoid any elective walking classes when he reaches middle school. Thanks to his rebellious behavior, he has jeopardized his entire future.
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